I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
