me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
