there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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