nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
