If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
