afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
