totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
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High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
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Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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