i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
