Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Randomize
