so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
