First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
No subtext here. People are naked.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
