I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
