god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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