we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
