I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
