Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
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