His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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