Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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