We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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