just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
