My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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