She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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