you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
