When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
