im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
It's never too late to be topless.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
