my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
