What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
