I'm going to jail i love you
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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