They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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