i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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