I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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