taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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