she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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