there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
