Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
