Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
