This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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