Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
