Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
