just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
