Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I faked an abortion last night.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Randomize
