In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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