Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Pants 0. Shit 1.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
