i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
