Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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