Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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