now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
