I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Bring me that man meat
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Randomize
