all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
