Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'm having to shit out rocks
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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