i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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