I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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