Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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