At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
