Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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