I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
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By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
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I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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