I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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