I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
