it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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