yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
she was so not down for the gang bang
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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