Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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