Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
