I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
