Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
