but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
