a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
