Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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