I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
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