Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
